Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
