I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Life is so much better after having sex.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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