woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
