His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
