Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
