I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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