omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
