His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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