I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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