remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
