just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
