Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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