Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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