I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
barbara walters just said penis...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
