go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
