billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
