i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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