dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
