screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
