Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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