my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
