Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
