walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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