I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
