Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
