then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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