The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is the high leading the old right now
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
