I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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