matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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