There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
