Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
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