hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
