Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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