I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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