alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
