He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
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