Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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