I'm going to jail i love you
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
