I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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