I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
