Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
