Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
