seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
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