What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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