woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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