GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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