is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
