No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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