Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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