one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
