we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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