Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
