don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
